What You’ll Discover in this Episode:
- That it is normal and ok to not like your husband!
- How to communicate effectively with your man. Clarity is key!
- Accepting “just ok” is ok!
- How to accept responsibility, apologize for your part and move forward.
- How to show respect and grace when we REALLY don’t feel like it.
- Ways to identify your feelings and talk them through.
The Micro Version…you know, like the version of the story you wish your seven year old would tell you about the Lego creation they made:
We all know how vastly relationships can fluctuate! One day you want to jump on your husband and find him hilarious, and the very next day you could want to jump on your husband and take him out! That’s normal! We just need ways to acknowledge that it’s ok to not always be ok! In this episode, I will let you in on my life and how things are far from perfect. It’s about communication, showing grace and letting go! Are you ready for it?
Rather read it while sitting in the carpool line? Read the full transcript below.
Hey friends, I am so glad you are here today for another episode of How to Like Your Husband. I want to tell you, this is going to be a different, a different kind of episode for you. We’re going to talk all about why it’s okay to not always like your husband because my friends got to tell ya. I did not like my husband last week, like even a little bit, just we were not on the same page. We went down a path that we hadn’t been down in a long time, a long time. I bet it’s been over a year since we had been down this particular path.
Imposter Syndrome Taking Its Place In Your Marriage
So in dealing with that, in not liking him because of what I do because I coach women in creating exceptional relationships and I coach women in how to create the change in their family and in their life and in their marriage and how to own that and be more and be better and all these things.
This is what I do. Okay. This is, this is who I am. This is the things that I teach and the words that I share and the comfort that I give is all around how to improve your marriage, how to like your husband. So when I was sitting here in this week of like really having a hard time liking him, I felt like an imposter. Imposter syndrome was like live in large at my house for a few days. And it was to the point that I couldn’t really share with you guys on stories. I couldn’t really was struggling with any of my one-on-one coaching. I’m in the middle of creating an online community and I couldn’t work on any of that and any of the content like froze me solid because I felt like a fraud because I didn’t like my husband.
Right? That’s how I felt. Well, here’s a fact. Every marriage, even the best marriages, you won’t always like each other. That’s not sustainable and, and it, and it would be fake if you pretended that you did. You cannot live with someone for this amount of time and not irritate each other sometimes and not hurt each other’s feelings. Sometimes even unintentionally it’s going to happen. And in my world when that happened, I felt unprepared for it because what I do for a living is teach you guys and help you guys and lift you up in liking your husband and creating exceptional marriages.
Sometimes It’s Okay To Not Like Your Husband
So this is me on my soapbox letting you know that sometimes I don’t like my husband either. Mike is not perfect. I am not perfect. Our marriage is not perfect and that’s okay. Sometimes it is just okay for me to not like him. And sometimes it’s okay if he doesn’t like me either.
Sometimes it’s just okay to put your head down and get by as good logistical partners, as good business partners, as good parents, whatever it is. Sometimes you just have to get through the hard of something and trust and know that it’s only a couple of days and you’re going to come back and it will be there for you. That strong relationship will be there for you. Your husband will be there for you, and you will be there for him and you’ll have each other’s back and you will be better for coming out the other side.
Okay, so now that you’ve heard me say that I am trying to help, I’m supposed to be helping all of these women and I just felt so defeated because I let my feelings get hurt and then I didn’t handle it well. And then I created a situation where my husband was pissed off at me because he hurt my feelings and I didn’t handle that well. Right? So who’s ever been on that little roller coaster where like they’re mad at you because you’re mad at them? It doesn’t even make sense. They don’t even have a good reason.
And sometimes it’s us that does that, right? Sometimes. they’re mad at us for something and we decided rather than deal with that thing, we’ll just get pissed off too. Well, you think you’re mad because I didn’t have time to pick up whatever from the store like I told you I would. You think you’re pissed off, but that I will pull out how you leave boxers on the side of the bed for you know, days. And I’ll just pull that out and be pissed off about that right now, even though it has nothing to do what’s going on. I bet we’ve all done this at least 10 times or a hundred. Right.
Then back and forth in our marriages, we go where we’re trying so hard to protect ourselves and to be right that it causes us drama. It causes a stress. It causes disconnect.
Being Clear About Why You are Upset
When it came down to the end of this situation with Mike and I, it really came down to me saying to him, and I will tell you, it could’ve just as easily gone the other way. You know, I can speak about this situation. Because of the side of it, I was on I, it doesn’t mean that it couldn’t have just as easily been my fault and him needing to speak to the situation. So I’m not here to tell you that I’m always right in these situations, but in our story he hurt my feelings. And then he chose to be mad that I was upset, that he hurt my feelings and I had to just say, I’m not going to argue with you about this.
This is how you hurt my feelings. I have tried to look at it from your point of view and I cannot see how this is anything other than you hurt my feelings. And to me that means it’s as simple as you saying, you’re right. I should not have said that and I’m really sorry and I’m going to work on not doing that again. And then this can be over. Like that’s all I need for this to be over. I need you to just say that you heard me recognize that something happened that was not okay and apologize for it. And I need you to do all that without dragging into this some way that you don’t feel supported or something that you’re pissed off about from two weeks ago or whatever. Like your time to bring those things up is then this is now and all that this is about is that you hurt my feelings.
Until I can feel that from you, until I can feel like you recognize that you caused me pain and apologize for it, I am having a really hard time liking you. Like I was trying to do all the same things. I was still trying to make dinner and still trying to be normal around the house and all of that. But honestly it was getting to where like I was a ball of stress the whole time and I just was unhappy because all I needed was a, I’m really sorry I said that to you. That was a dumb thing to say. I don’t even know why I did it.
Right. I was, I was okay with a, I don’t even know why I did it. I was just tired and dumb and I said that and I won’t say it again. I’ll try not to say it again. Sometimes we just need someone to stand up and say, yep, I did that really dumb thing and I’m sorry. And that’s it. It’s that simple.
Admit You Were Wrong and Ask for a Do Over
And do you know what that tells me ladies? Sometimes they need that too. Sometimes it can be as easy as walking back in a room and saying, I really have no why. I just rolled my eyes at you or why I was passive aggressive about that. I’m would really like a do over. I’m sorry, can we back up?
How simple is that versus a four day argument of not speaking? It’s pretty freaking hard, right? Walking back into a room and being like, I just acted like a dummy. I just acted really rude. A jerk, a rolled my eyes at you is completely disrespectful and I’m going to own it. I did that and I am sorry for that and that is not how you deserve to be treated and I would really, really appreciate it if you could see past that behavior and know that I love you and let me try again to have a good night because I’m pretty sure I just took my stress about something else out on you.
That sounds like the hardest thing in the world. The first time that I ever did that, the first time I ever immediately said, I don’t know why I just rolled my eyes. I know that it happened, but I feel like I didn’t even have control of them right there and I would really like it if you would just pretend that that didn’t even happen. It’s something I’m trying to get under control, right. The first time that I ever did that, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a building, like waiting to fall off. Like, what is this? I’m going to accept the thing that I just did. I’m going to own the thing that I just did and I’m going to immediately apologize for the thing that I just did. But you know what happens in those seconds after that they have room to give you grace. They have room to make a choice, to have a good night, to have a good weekend, to just go on with your time and your lives and your relationship and not get hung up on something stupid, some way your body reacted because it’s been reacting that way for 35 years and you’re trying to train it to do something different.
The Best Way to Create Change is to Start Changing Yourself
Hey, it’s okay to not like your husband all the time. It’s not okay to be a complete jerk to him. It’s not okay to be disrespectful to him, right? So you’re going to have to apologize for those things. Just like he’s going to need to apologize for them with you. And the best way to get that to happen is to start doing it yourself. So if you’re here, you’re here for how to like your husband. You know what I say about this? You have the power to change. What is going on in your house at any moment in your house? You can set the thermostat and change everybody’s temperature based on what you’re doing. Mama walks in and starts yelling and telling, you know, why aren’t these chores done and why? Why isn’t dinner cleaned up and why didn’t this get done? Blah, blah. You’re yelling, everybody else in the house gets crabby, right? You know this to be true. You know it to be true. So stop it. That’s what you gotta do. You gotta stop it. You gotta set that thermostat at a place that everybody is rising up to be better because we will be better.
You can be better. Let’s do better.
So let me try and break this down for you when, you know, I feel I might be all over the place today and I think that’s okay. I try and make these episodes like really sequential and like here’s my points and you know, get them across to you efficiently and quickly, but sometimes like it’s so freaking messy. We are so freaking messy and right now we’re all, you know, if you’re listening to this in real time, we’re all in the middle of a situation that we have never been in before. It doesn’t matter if you’re working, not working, working from home. Kids are schooling from home, even if they’re always homeschooled. This is not what homeschool looks like. You know, this pandemic schooling that we’re doing, like no matter where you are, life does not look the same right now. And so we’re all functioning from this place of stress.
Will this be the only time in our lives that we function from a place of stress? Hell no, no it will not. So you might as well learn something from this little situation my friends, cause this will not be the last time that you have had to operate from a place of stress. If you are newly married and this is your first time having stress really impact your marriage, that’s okay. Let’s learn from it. Let’s grow from it. Let’s know how to do better the next time. Something crazy like this comes around the next time that there’s an argument with your extended family or there’s trouble with a kid or there’s medical issues or financial issues or any number of things that can hit your family and cause stress. Sometimes those are perfect opportunities for us to rise up and like more and love harder and just really keep that person close and tight to us and just like the heck out of them so we can laugh and, and feel light sometimes that’s what’s going to happen and sometimes you’re going to have days like I had last week where you just put your freaking head down.
You realize that you don’t like him right now, but you love the hell out of that man and you know he is doing his best for your family and you are doing your best for your family and that’s good enough right now.
Good Enough Is Not All There Is, But Sometimes Good Enough Is OK
I’m not here, I don’t, I don’t have this platform to tell you that good enough is all there is. That is definitely not what I’m doing here. My relationship is not good enough. My relationship is exceptional 98 percent of the time and I freaking love it that way. You deserve that and I want that for you as well. But that doesn’t mean that there’s that other 2 percent that sometimes you just have to be okay with good enough and know that that’s that hard spot. Know that that’s that for better or worse, this is worse, right? This is where we have to push through and be, have each other’s back even when we don’t particularly want to be each other’s friend.
This is where we have to show respect, even though it takes every ounce of energy, we have to do that, and this is where we have to give grace and forgiveness and just time and patience to let the changes happen. Let them have their feelings about the stress as well. Let them have their discomfort in the stress. Like ladies, you’re not the only one that doesn’t like what’s happening right now. You’re not the only one that hates that your family is having to function from a place of anxiety. Your husband doesn’t like that either. So how can you have each other’s back? How can you do your best to like each other 98 percent of the time and how can you still support each other to where you’re not big fans of each other.
Hey, I want Mike to be my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader. And he is, he is my biggest freaking cheerleader. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t fail me sometimes. And that does not mean that I don’t fail him sometimes because we are human. Girl, every day you get up and you have a choice to make about your husband, about your marriage, about the future of your family. And you not only get to make that choice when you wake up, but if you screw that up and you’re, you know, you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and, and cause drama right from the very beginning of the day. Hey, guess what? You can go have a cup of coffee and you can change it then. Or if that doesn’t happen, you can get your work calls in and work for a few hours and meet up for lunch. And oh, by the way, you can change it then too. And if that doesn’t work out, you can go out for a walk or have some more work meetings. Do any of those things come back in and you can change it. Then you can change the direction of the temperature in your home and in your marriage anytime. But the sooner you do it, the happier you’ll be.
Coming Out of Stay Home Better and Stronger
If you can set that thermostat and maintain the temperature that your family is in and loves in and that will drown out the anxiety, it will drown out the stress. And it allows everybody to grow and be productive and feel accomplished. My friends, we want to come out of stay home better. We want to come out of stressful situations better. Mike and I did an episode just a couple of weeks ago where we told you guys like, we are going to come out of stay home better than ever and stronger than ever. So you can imagine last week when we had this hiccup, how I’m like, I literally released a podcast episode about how we’re going to come out stronger. And now I want to choke you and I don’t really like you. I definitely don’t want to go for date night and here we are.
Like I should just take that episode down. No, no. My friends, no I will not. And no, I will not hide this from you. And the reason that I will not, the reason that I won’t take down all the episodes that still apply or that I won’t hide the fact that we aren’t perfect from you is because you have so much to learn from what I’ve learned from this, right?
Every time we have a disconnect, every time that we hurt each other’s feelings or have some issue, don’t communicate well, right? We get to learn from that are making up from that are having a conversation after that while the lead up to that was not pretty while we waited too many days to have that conversation. And I’m not proud of that fact and neither is Mike. That’s not a way that we handle things anymore. And I really feel like we were just weak in that situation. But when we had that conversation, it was so productive. Like to just be able to say to my husband, you hurt my feelings. I think you owe me an apology. I’ve tried to see your side of this and I can’t, so I am going to need you to explain it to me or I just need you to say I’m sorry. I’ll try not to do that again. And his response was, you’re absolutely right. I didn’t even think about it sounding like that. And I’m sorry. And I don’t want you to feel like I don’t like hanging out with you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m embarrassed by you in front of neighbors. You know, I want you to feel supported. And it didn’t even occur to me that that is what you were thinking in that moment. So I am sorry that I handled it that way and I will try my best not to do it again. It was that simple.
Why It’s Good to Miss Each Other Some Times
Three days we went like three days without talking over this because we reverted to old habits. Ridiculous, right? I mean, are you listening to this and thinking to yourself like, wait, they could have just had a fine day that very day if they had had that conversation. Absolutely. Is what we would typically do at this point in our lives. Yes. Did we fail? Yes. Did we learn something from it? Yes. We learned we are freaking human. We learned that it’s never going to be perfect. We learned that we miss each other. I mean honestly there’s that blessing in disguise too, right? We stay home. I mean there’s very little opportunity to miss your husband and you know what I’m saying about like don’t be calling your husband constantly throughout the day.
Don’t be telling him everything that’s going on in your day via text so that when you, when he gets home later, like you have nothing to tell him. Don’t do that. Save it up. Miss him while he’s gone at work. Miss him all. You’re gone at work like remember what it’s like to miss him so that when you guys get back together at the end of the day there’s conversation to be had. Well here we are in stay home and everybody’s just together all the time and it makes that a lot harder. So if anything, I feel like what we got out of a couple of days of not speaking to each other is just a really clear reminder that we really like talking to each other. We really like going out on our walk every day and connecting. We really like sitting next to each other at dinner and catching up. I like to be able to tell him all the things that the kids have done throughout the day. And I miss my friend in that time. So again, I’m here and I’m sharing it with you because I did miss my friend and because I did make a mistake and in the way that I handled it and because we will come out of that having learned and how, and, and we’ll be stronger. So that episode from a couple of weeks ago about having a stronger marriage at the end of the day home. Definitely true. I can tell you right now that it’s already true because we learned something and that one argument that will help us for years to come and I know that.
Heading Back Out After Stay Home
You guys, this is the most frustrating experience I have ever had. I don’t know about you guys but as they’re opening things back up, I don’t know the right decisions for our family. I don’t know if just because the government says we’re open, if that actually means that we should be out in public a lot. I don’t know if play dates should be allowed. Like I feel so uncertain in the choices that I’m making for my kids and my family and I need my partner next to me to hear me out and help me make those or at least be a sounding board as I am trying to navigate what that looks like and what’s best for our family.
I know you guys feel that too. If you can’t have that with your husband yet, I hope that you are finding that support somewhere as we’re navigating this crazy, crazy situation that stay home is we’re going to come out of this better. You get to decide. Well I mean that’s the honest truth. You get to decide if you come out of this better. I know I’m going to, I know my husband is going to, I know my kids are going to, are you going to, are you going to have learned something new or grown in some way or reconfirmed some habits. Like what are you going to do?
I’m not talking about with all this extra time you have because I’m no fool here. I know none of you have extra time. I get that. I don’t know who these people are in social media, the internet that want to tell us about all this extra time we have. Nobody’s got extra time. That is a myth. If you have extra time, it’s, I guess because you don’t have children and you don’t work. I don’t know. I don’t even know where you would get extra time. So I get it. I’m not telling you like, Oh, and now you should learn Japanese. Like, Oh, now you should, you know, take on this big thing. I’m just saying you can learn something about how you handle stress and you can make sure you’re handling it well through this time.
You can learn like I did, how to be graceful with yourself because if I’m going to get anything out of this, it is that. Here I am, a marriage strategist, a coach, a podcast or a business owner. And I’m going to tell you, I screw up and then I forgive myself. I learn and I keep going and that’s okay. Hundred percent okay. And I invite you to do the same. My friends, please remember you are incredible and you deserve incredible things. So let’s make that happen. Whether you’re stuck at home or not.
What Are Your Thoughts?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. You can comment on an Instagram post over at Mrs. Rachel Ballard on Instagram or we are going to chat about this in our private Facebook group, How to Like Your Husband with Rachel Ballard. You can also leave a review for this podcast, which is super helpful and be sure to subscribe so that you can get a notice each week when another episode goes live. In the meantime, my friends, please remember that you are so incredible and you deserve incredible things. So let’s get those on the calendar and make them happen. Have a great week.
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