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Episode #22: Balancing Your Marriage and ALL THE THINGS with Shelby Fowler

By March 24, 2020 May 3rd, 2020 Love, Loyalty, Lust

Episode #22: Balancing Your Marriage and ALL THE THINGS with Shelby Fowler

Like what you hear? Subscribe and follow below!

What You’ll Discover in this Episode:

  • Why liking one another is HARD, and totally normal.
  • How to balance your marriage and your life (it can get difficult)!
  • That managing your time can be one of the biggest benefits to prioritizing your marriage.
  • How keeping a united front with your husband can help him connect.
  • Why intimacy is so different for men and women, and how to manage that difference.

The Micro Version…you know, like the version of the story you wish your seven year old would tell you about the Lego creation they made:

Creating the dream marriage you’ve always wanted takes a LOT of work, and is absolutely possible! In this episode, I talk about all the ways I prioritize my marriage so I then have more time for my work! When you are intentional about how you spend your time, and on what (hint, hint, your man), everything starts to improve and expand. Remember, ladies, you’re on the same team as your husband, and we need to remember that even when we don’t like them very much!

Rather read it while sitting in the carpool line? Read the full transcript below.

Rachel:

Hey guys, thank you so much for being here on another episode of the How to Like Your Husband podcast. I am so, so happy to have you today and I’ve got a little, something different and interesting for you. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to come into a Facebook group and do a Facebook live for them about um, marriage and relationships and all the things where that’s concerned. Um, but also some about the branding behind How to Like Your Husband and where that came from because this was a, um, business group, a group of female entrepreneurs. So that’s exciting as well. So I was asked to come into this group. I’ve done quite a few Facebook lives with different groups that I’ve been lucky enough to get to speak in. And this time we recorded the call and I am going to play it for you as this week’s How to Like Your Husband podcast.

Shelby Fowler, who interviewed me, is an online marketing strategist and the founder of Fempire Media. So on in that group you can find social media tips, branding tips and interviews just like this one that she did with me. The Fempire Online Marketing Tips for Solo Entrapreneurs is on Facebook, and I would encourage you to go check it out. Also on Instagram you can find her, um, @fempiremedia or @lifewithshelby. Then her website is fempiremedia.com. So all of those things are going to be available to you in the show notes so you don’t have to remember them all. Just click on the show notes at the end and you can check them out. And otherwise, we are gonna dig right into it. Um, hopefully you’ll find some of the branding stuff interesting as I’m kind of gives you a little bit of the background of where, How to Like Your Husband came from, which I don’t know if that’s anything that I’ve necessarily shared here before. And then we kind of dig into getting your husband to support you in all of your things. So enjoy.

Shelby Fowler:

All right. So today we are talking to Rachel Ballard. She’s a marriage strategist and the host of the How to Like Your Husband podcast. Rachel, welcome to the Fempire community. 

Rachel:

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. I’m excited. 

Shelby Fowler:

Yeah, you’re very welcome. We’re excited. I would love for you to tell your story and how you started in this line of work.

Rachel:

So as a marriage strategist, I started that by creating the marriage that I wanted and realized as I was doing that and as it became a thing that I was successful at, I wanted all my friends to know how to make that happen in their own lives. And, um, and then, you know, all my friends turned into my community, turned into all the women. I want everybody to know how to create what they actually want within their relationship and stop thinking that somebody else has control of that step thinking that, you know, if your husband would just change X, Y, Z or W that, um, you would be happy or you would like him more or, um, you guys would be successful. Like figure out how to fix here and fix you, and create what you want. So…

Shelby Fowler:

I love that. So your brand is How to Like Your Husband. Yes. Yes. I love that cause it’s, I saw it online and I was like, that is such great branding. Right?

Rachel:

Yeah. So, you know, I know you guys are all about business here, so, and I am, um, this is the new, the new word is, uh, the new phrase is multi-passionate entrepreneur, right? That’s what we’re all using these days. But, uh, my husband and I own a business together. Um, that is separate from what I do. And then I offer marriage strategy as well and coaching, um, one-on-one with that. So I am an entrepreneur in two different aspects to service both service-based. Um, but, uh, when I was deciding on what I wanted to do and how I wanted that to look, um, I really started with how to not be divorced because that’s in my mind, like that’s what it was. I felt like with our story, I was, um, I knew in my mind that if something didn’t change, uh, once my last kid left for college, I was also leaving.

Like I was just not doing it anymore. And, um, and so I was like, okay, well I’ve got 12 years before the last one goes, so, um, I guess I have 12 years to make something great or what do I have to waste? Right? Like, what do I have to lose from, from trying for that amount of time? So in my mind, it was all about how not to be divorced and, uh, I have been divorced before, so that does not, uh, that really resonates with me because it’s terrible, right? Being divorced, thinks, and um, more importantly, sharing your kids really sucks like a lot. And I don’t want to ever have to do that again. Um, nor do I want anybody else to have to do it. Uh, but then as soon as I just like got into the branding and really figuring out like what the market wanted, um, to hear, I feel like my message is exactly the same.

Liking One Another

But How to Like Your Husband is something every married woman can relate to. We love them. Liking them all the time is not always as easy and at the same time, them liking us is not always as easy. Right? Like we’re not always likable, surely. Right. So, um, yeah, so from a branding perspective, it seems like people who had not been divorced were really turned off by the, um, the wording of, you know, a brand that was, how to not be divorced. And, um, so I’ve made a little, little pivot there with just, just with the branding. I didn’t even change the business model or anything. And then, uh, found that, um, I really was able to resonate more with women who have not been divorced before. So…

Shelby Fowler:

I absolutely love it. Um, and like you said, I think a lot of people struggle with, um, well I find that as this community is mostly, like you said, it’s mostly, um, small business owners and solo-preneurs. And you know, it’s like many times our relationships are the hardest part of our life when we’re doing big, powerful, crazy, audacious, like scary things all day long and business. Um, and it seems like so many people struggle with, you know, their relationship. Like that’s their biggest challenge.

The Challenge of a Relationship and Business

Rachel:

Yeah. I think a lot of that really stems from how much energy we put into building our business, especially in the beginning. And then when we are, um, moms as well, um, or just even women having to care for all the, all the humans, whether it’s, you know, aging parents or, um, a spouse or our kids, you know, we’re caring for everybody and so we have to find time to fit in our business. Right? And it’s not always the conventional, like nine to five, you know, it’s nap time and it’s bedtime and it’s early mornings. Then it’s all these spaces where we might have before spent time with our husband or spouse and um, especially like that bedtime, you know, I can, my kids go to bed, I can work until one in the morning and just be thrilled to be in there and focus on what I’m doing. Um, but if I do that, then my relationship suffers as part of it and then, and it’s a lot harder for my husband to be supportive of what I’m doing if he’s not getting what he needs as well. So it’s so important and so hard to make sure we’re giving them what they need. At the same time as we’re making sure we get what we need in building a business.

Shelby Fowler:

Absolutely. Yeah. I would love to, um, kind of go a little bit deeper into this. So let’s do it. Do you have any like tips or strategies or coaching in this area for women that are, you know, they’re building their business and how do they balance kind of, how do they make their relationship important? Important when they have the kids? And many of our, many of this community have like kids, so especially small ones, you know, and they’re like always either you’re not in school yet, so they’re with you all the time. They’re energy suckers, love them, but they suck the energy out of you. Right. How do you do that but still build this, this, um, this business empire? Yeah.

Building a Business

Rachel:

So I think that you have to remember that, first of all, you have the same number of hours as everybody else. So I’ll just, let me lay it out here for you. I own a business that does about $1.5 million in revenue every year. So that’s a, that’s a big business. That’s got 13 employees. Um, that’s, that’s a reasonable amount to manage. We have four kids, two of which I homeschool and two of which are about to graduate high school. So that’s a lot. Yeah. So in addition, I do a lot of one-on-one marriage coaching and building a business. I have a weekly podcast, right? I run half marathons. Like I do all these things and I have a great relationship with my husband. I have the same number of hours in my day that you do. Um, so the first thing is to get in your mind, right?

What are You Actually Doing with Your Time?

What you’re actually doing with your time? That is not generally a popular opinion. Some somebody in your group just clicked me off because they don’t want to hear that they are maybe spending more time than they need to on Facebook or Instagram or Netflix, their phone. I’m standing at the gym talking to the girlfriends. Instead of getting in, getting your workout and getting out the door. Cooking does your family need you to spend an hour making dinner or can you accomplish the same thing in a 20 minute Crock-Pot recipe? You know, like there’s places that you can cut back on time. Um, and I choose those. I choose what I do with my time, very, um, specifically. And I am really harsh with the Sharpie. Like I will cross things off a calendar, like nobody’s business. I will cancel, I will get it off there.

Um, so in order to be like that, I don’t do my own grocery. You know, I use Shipt almost a hundred percent. Um, I utilize the teenagers in my house in a huge way. Um, my kids have a lot of responsibilities of their own, of what they’re responsible for within our house as far as, you know, dishes and bathroom cleaning and stuff like that. Um, and then my husband and I have a planning meeting on Sundays and we plan out the week as far as who’s making dinner, when you can bet that if I’m making dinner and I personally hate to cook, so, uh, it’s not, not my favorite thing to do, um, that it’s, uh, something in the crockpot or something like tacos or spaghetti that’s very simple. Um, but we plan it out on Sunday. We know who’s going to be where, when, and then we know how we’re gonna utilize that time.

Keeping a United Front

So we also do not divide and conquer whenever possible. And I think, I think one of the mistakes a lot of us can make is keeping that divide and conquer mindset all the time because that’s what society says we’re supposed to be doing. Right? We’re supposed to get all the humans, all the places we need to. He goes to gymnastics and she, you know, I go to dance or whatever. Um, and we just about a year and a half ago decided that that was really affecting our marriage and that we were not gonna be doing that anymore because if it affects our marriage, it affects our family and it affects the kind of humans we’re raising. Uh, and we want them to know what healthy family life and healthy marital life looks like. So now, um, our kids had to make some choices about things they wanted to be involved in and we set those up in the same place whenever possible.

And we use that time as family time or a couple time. So, and what, what I mean is if one kid has gymnastics, um, we might, several of us might go to gymnastics to take her and we might bring a board game and play while we’re waiting for her or we might bring their scooters and like go outside and take a walk and let them ride their scooters while one is doing gymnastics. Or if like they both have something at the same time, my two little ones, you know, we’ll have stuff at the same time and we count that as a date. We drop them off, we walk outside, we go for a walk or we bring a bar board game and play in the car or drive up to Starbucks or whatever. So we utilize our time differently and that is how we can be successful at it.

Um, with really little ones. I think it really comes down to also realizing that your husband can feel wanted, needed and like you’re giving him attention in about 20 minutes if you do it right. You know, like, and what I mean like if you are really, if you just set your phone down, kids have been put to bed and you spend 20 minutes like listening to him talk about his day, you know, using his love language. If it’s physical touch, rub his feet while he tells you about his day or you know, if it’s words of affirmation, make sure you’re, you know, regurgitating back to him all the things that he wants to hear. Acts of service, you know, you’re, I don’t know, doing the dishes or folding his laundry or whatever it is while he’s talking to you. Different things like a lot of times just making sure that his love tank is filled up in about 20 minutes, puts him in a really good spot where he’s been.

Um, served, if you don’t mind that word served first, and then you know, you can go to what you need to do to build your business and you can go and do that knowing that you put the person that should be the most important person in your life first and served him and you’ve served yourself at some point, you’ve gotten your workout or your meditation or whatever it is that keeps your mind right. You know, if you, if you have those two things, um, it can be a lot easier to go into a night of working, but then also remembering to head into bed at the same time as your husband sometimes, too.

Right? That needs to be like two nights on one night off kind of thing. So it was a lot. I hope that was helpful. So that was so helpful. 

Shelby Fowler:

I do want to touch on your three pillars. Okay. So when you explain those to everyone, okay. 

Prioritizing Friendship

Rachel:

So, um, the first thing is, um, friendship and just making sure that you are friends in your marriage. If you listen to the How to Like Your Husband podcast this week, you’ll hear me say that I don’t really consider Mike, my best friend because I feel like he’s so much more than that. Like I feel like that title almost like brings him down a notch. Um, but he is like, he is my closest friend. He’s also just a lot more than that too, you know? So friendship and remembering like why you like him and sometimes to figure out why you like him when you really are not liking him.

You need to go to Facebook memories and like a look back on like what you guys used to do. Cause you can forget like you have babies. It sucks your brain cells out of your body and pretty sure that’s how that happened. Um, and so like remembering, just really remembering like what you guys used to enjoy, and what you enjoy now cause it’s probably different and finding a way to create a friendship. Um, and then just respect is such a huge, huge thing to every man. Um, I don’t know. There’s several books, but the one that I can think of off the top of my head For Women Only, it’s called by Shanti Feldham, I think I said that right. But, um, her book was a survey of men around the country and um, specifically has a chapter all about how, um, men would rather feel unloved than disrespected.

Like literally when we say like we want, we want to feel them, they want, we want them to love us, we want to feel them, love us, they want us to respect them. And it’s two completely different things and we can lose sight of that. So we feel like we’re, we’re loving by doing all these things, but really what they want is us to, um, come to them when we want to make some decisions. And, and it’s not about permission or anything like that. It’s just about the respect of like discussing it and talking about it and making them feel like they are a decision-maker in the household as well and, and needed and supported and that kind of stuff. So making sure that respect is like top of your mind in dealing with your husband all of the time is super important. 

Prioritizing Intimacy

And then the third thing that I hadn’t mentioned yet was the last, and that is just making sure that your man knows that you are interested in him and sometimes that is going to feel like a job to you. And so what I try and remind my clients and just everybody that I talk to is we’re running on two different types of brain chemicals, right? So they need, um, we need, um, to feel, um, connected before we want to be intimate. They need to be intimate, to feel connected. So we can either both sit around and let that part of our marriage fizzle out and then wonder why they aren’t as interested in us and then wonder why our friendship isn’t where we want it.

And wonder why, like this canyon between us just keeps getting larger and larger and larger. Or we can put intimacy on our to-do list and get it done, and let them feel that connection and then let them give it back to us. Because otherwise you’re just sitting waiting for him to make a change, which is not really taking control of your own life either. So I’m less than making sure that they know that you are interested. And the way I recommend that is generally to start it out is with the text. So, um, I’ve got 50 sexy texts, um, for free on my website and they range from like super, um, mellow, super, “just I’m, I’m interested, just want you to know I’m interested,” to very spicy. So if you’ve never sent a text to your husband, um, start on page one. Don’t turn the page…

And I don’t want, I don’t want that for you. So I’m just start on page one and work through those. And then when you feel like your comfort levels a little higher than then turn the page. But um, a lot of times just that simple act of like sending them a text while they’re at work or while they’re standing in the kitchen helping a kid with math homework and you’re making dinner and you send a quick text that says, “Hey, I was just thinking after, after bath time, you know, wink, wink.” And I mean it can change the whole course of your night. Um, the whole dynamic makes it fun and playful and it’s not quite as vulnerable as having to like say some of that stuff out loud. So it’s just a little bit easier place to start for a lot of women.

Shelby Fowler:

Yeah. I love that. Do you have, um, I want you to share like how they can find you if they want maybe some one-on-one help or they want to get those text message prompts?

Shelby Fowler:

Yes. Thank you so much for coming on here and sharing everything. I really appreciate it. 

Rachel:

No problem. Thank you for having me. You’re welcome. It was a pleasure. Yeah, have a great day. Bye-bye. 

All right guys, what did you think? I so hope that you will head over to the Facebook group or find me on Instagram and send me a DM, an email, whatever it is. Let me know what you thought about this. Um, new model of podcast episode that we have. I’d love to know if you loved it or if you’d like to see it done a different way or if this just was totally not your thing at all. Um, I am always looking to improve what I do here and hope to provide the best content for you guys. So, um, this definitely came from a place of love and feeling like it had something to offer to you all. So I hope that you got that from it and enjoyed it. Um, be sure to check out Shelby. Um, all her information is in the show notes and as always, if you have the opportunity to leave me a review and subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or any of the places that you like to listen to podcasts, I would greatly appreciate it. I hope you guys have an amazing, amazing week. And my friends,  Just please remember that you are incredible and you deserve incredible things, so let’s make that happen. Have a great week.

Can’t get enough? I’m linking her info below so you can keep listening and following along with this amazing woman’s journey!

Where to Find The Fempire Team and Shelby Fowler:

LINK: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thefempireteam/

Website: FempireMedia.com

Instagram: @FempireMedia or @LifeWithShelby

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